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Rising Strong: The Reckoning. The Rumble. The Revolution. by Brené Brown

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About

In Rising Strong, you’ll learn about developing resilience by facing your fears, getting curious about your emotions, and embracing vulnerability.

Crucial quotes

Rising strong after a fall is how we cultivate wholeheartedness in our lives; it’s the process that teaches us the most about who we are.

Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.

When we own our stories, we avoid being trapped as characters in stories someone else is telling.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; … who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.

Tweetable summary

Falling down is part of rising strong. Resilience is developed by learning from failure, embracing your emotions, and letting yourself be vulnerable until you succeed.

BIG IDEAS

THE PHYSICS OF VULNERABILITY
CIVILIZATION STOPS AT THE WATER LINE
OWNING OUR STORIES
THE RECKONING
THE RUMBLE
SEWER RATS AND SCOFFLAWS
THE BRAVE AND BROKENHEARTED
EASY MARK
COMPOSTING FAILURE
YOU GOT TO DANCE WITH THEM THAT BRUNG YOU
THE REVOLUTION

Overview

“…I realized that this book was all about drilling down deep into the most difficult and uncomfortable moments in our lives, getting honest, and holding ourselves accountable to move forward in the after. I wasn’t sure I wanted in on all of that. It seemed hard and dirty and messy and, well, uncomfortable.”

Brené Brown kicks off the book with a lengthy introduction about the book and how to approach it. She tells us that Rising Strong is about getting to the heart of the most painful and uncomfortable moments we’ve ever experienced, getting honest about the way in which they’ve made us feel, and being bold enough to hold ourselves accountable to get up and grow from the past as we move into the future.

She also stresses that—YES—failure is painful—very painful. Unfortunately however, the stories of struggle to success that we’re so often told do little more than glaze right over the pain of failure so that they can spend more time talking about the glorious feeling of success. So what’s the solution? Brown says that what we need is “a critical mass of badasses who are willing to dare, fall, feel their way through tough emotion, and rise again.”

We need to stop “gold-plating grit,” she says. We need to start acknowledging the desperation, the shame, and the vulnerability that comes along with failure. No more glossing over pain. No more keeping it stuffed inside of a bottle. Pain and failure must be reckoned and rumbled with until we experience our own inner revolution; in which we come out as stronger, more wholehearted versions of ourselves.

(CHAPTER ONE: THE PHYSICS OF VULNERABILITY)

Cultivate the courage to embrace vulnerability

”We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.

Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”

Having the courage to be vulnerable isn’t about not being afraid to show weakness; it’s about knowing that you’re going to do something you want to do—and that you will fail at doing it. Leaning into this fear and failure is uncomfortable, but that’s something we’ve got to be okay with if we want to fulfill our highest potential—both personally and professionally.

As the author says,

“… A lot of cheap seats in the arena are filled with people who never venture onto the floor. They just hurl mean-spirited criticisms and put-downs from a safe distance. The problem is, when we stop caring what people think and stop feeling hurt by cruelty, we lose our ability to connect. But when we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives. For me, if you’re not in the arena getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.”

ACTIONABLE INSIGHTS:

The physics of vulnerability is simple: if we are brave enough often enough, we will fall. Being brave and falling helps us grow and changes us for the better.

After explaining the importance of vulnerability, Brown dives into her “rules” of engagement about courage and rising strong, a few of which we’ll dive into in the next big idea.

Fear, scarcity and comparative suffering

“Falling down, screwing up, and facing hurt often lead to bouts of second-guessing our judgment, our self-trust, and even our worthiness. I am enough can slowly turn into Am I really enough?

Here’s a super-important point Brown makes in the beginning of the book about fear and comparison:

“fear and scarcity immediately trigger comparison, and even pain and hurt are not immune to being assessed and ranked.

My husband died and that grief is worse than your grief over an empty nest.

I’m not allowed to feel disappointed about being passed over for promotion when my friend just found out that his wife has cancer.

You’re feeling shame for forgetting your son’s school play? Please— that’s a first-world problem; there are people dying of starvation every minute.

The opposite of scarcity is not abundance; the opposite of scarcity is simply enough. Empathy is not finite, and compassion is not a pizza with eight slices. When you practice empathy and compassion with someone, there is not less of these qualities to go around. There’s more. Love is the last thing we need to ration in this world. The refugee in Syria doesn’t benefit more if you conserve your kindness only for her and withhold it from your neighbor who’s going through a divorce.”

… Wow, what a knowledge bomb. How often do we shame others/ourselves for feeling bad or complaining about a negative event simply because it wasn’t as catastrophic as hurricane Katrina?

“Yes, perspective is critical” says, Brown, “But I’m a firm believer that complaining is okay as long as we piss and moan with a little perspective. Hurt is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us.”

Let’s close out this big idea with a few more of Brown’s most important guiding principles about rising strong:

We’re literally wired for story “neuroscientist Antonio Damasio reminds us, humans are not either thinking machines or feeling machines, but rather feeling machines that think … If we can learn how to feel our way through these experiences and own our stories of struggle, we can write our own brave endings. When we own our stories, we avoid being trapped as characters in stories someone else is telling.”
Spirituality is important Another one of Brown’s rules of engagement is about spirituality. She notes that she interviewed a wide variety of people who fell down and embraced the rising strong process to get back up; and one of the things that all of them had in common was a sense of spirituality, which she defines as follows: “Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to one another by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and belonging. Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose to our lives”
Creativity is crucial ”Creativity embeds knowledge so that it can become practice. We move what we’re learning from our heads to our hearts through our hands.”
Live wholeheartedly The final principle we’ll cover is about wholehearted living, which Brown defines as follows: “engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am brave and worthy of love and belonging.”

(CHAPTER TWO: CIVILIZATION STOPS AT THE WATER LINE)

Story is king

At some point in her ongoing research about vulnerability, shame, failure, and rising strong, Brené’ Brown had an opportunity visit with the leaders of Pixar Studios (in case you’re wondering—Pixar is an insanely successful company that produces animated films.)

During her initial visit, she found a framed message hanging on the wall of Pixar’s creative department, prominently displaying a headline underscored by three simple sentences:

“STORY IS KING”

“1: Story is the big picture.”

(This is when you recognize a purpose, or call to action you feel you MUST fulfill.)

“2: Story is process.”

(This is when you embark on a journey to fulfill your purpose. It’s also the hardest part. This is when you struggle.)

“3: Story is research.”

(This is when you’ve “found yourself,” or when you’ve finally found fulfillment in your purpose. Now you dedicate yourself to continuous learning and mastery. “Living happily ever after.”)

Shortly after reading these sentences, she learned about how everything Pixar creates is based around a 3-part story-telling framework (which we’ll be getting into momentarily.) And then she had an epiphany of sorts, regarding the Rising Strong process that she’d been working on and developing for this book…

Could it be that everything in our lives fits into a similar 3-part story-telling framework? The answer, she realized, was a resounding and enthusiastic “YES.”

Eventually, she was able to block together a story-based framework of her own to provide a process for us to use as we navigate through the concepts in this book.

Here’s how it goes…

The Rising Strong Process

”The goal of the [Rising Strong] process is to rise from our falls, overcome our mistakes, and face hurt in a way that brings more wisdom and wholeheartedness into our lives.”

First we “reckon.”

Then we “rumble.”

And then we wage a “revolution.”

… This is the Rising Strong process.

Let’s go into a little more detail, shall we?

The Reckoning—Men and women who rise strong are willing and able to reckon with their emotions. First, they recognize that they’re feeling something—a button has been pushed, they’re hooked, something is triggered, their emotions are off-kilter. Second, they get curious about what’s happening and how what they’re feeling is connected to their thoughts and behaviors. Engaging in this process is how we walk into our story.
The Rumble—Men and women who rise strong are willing and able to rumble with their stories. By rumble, I mean they get honest about the stories they’ve made up about their struggles and they are willing to revisit, challenge, and reality-check these narratives as they dig into topics such as boundaries, shame, blame, resentment, heartbreak, generosity, and forgiveness. Rumbling with these topics and moving from our first responses to a deeper understanding of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors gives birth to key learnings about who we are and how we engage with others. The rumble is where wholeheartedness is cultivated and change begins.
The Revolution—Unlike evolutionary change, which is incremental, revolutionary change fundamentally transforms our thoughts and beliefs. Rumbling with our story and owning our truth in order to write a new, more courageous ending transforms who we are and how we engage with the world. Men and women who rise strong integrate the key learnings that emerge from the rising strong process into how they live, love, lead, parent, and participate as citizens. This has tremendous ramifications not only for their own lives, but also for their families, organizations, and communities.

As we continue onward with this book summary, we’ll dive in to greater detail with regard to each part of the Rising Strong process. But for now, keep the following actionable insights in mind…

ACTIONABLE INSIGHTS:

THE RECKONING: WALKING INTO OUR STORY—Recognize emotion, and get curious about our feelings and how they connect with the way we think and behave.
THE RUMBLE: OWNING OUR STORY—Get honest about the stories we’re making up about our struggle, then challenge these confabulations and assumptions to determine what’s truth, what’s self-protection, and what needs to change if we want to lead more wholehearted lives.
THE REVOLUTION—Write a new ending to our story based on the key learnings from our rumble and use this new, braver story to change how we engage with the world and to ultimately transform the way we live, love, parent, and lead.

The following big ideas build upon this Rising Strong process.